Clark Kent: Gay?
by blueatom
Summary: Lois Lane is a Daily Planet reporter who thinks one of her best friends is gay. Said best friend? Clark Kent.
1. Alien Invasion, Clues and other things

**Disclaimer:** Do not own Smallville.  
**Summary:**Lois Lane is a Daily Planet reporter who thinks one of her best friends is gay. Said best friend? Clark Kent  
**Author note:** First go at writing a Smallville fic. Hopefully it's not too rubbish. Comments would be really appreciated. Thanks. Also the beginning was inspired by Friends.

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**Clark Kent: Gay?**

**Chapter 1: Alien Invasion, Clues and other things  
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"Smallville, I know" 

"You know what?" Clark put down the spanner and focused his attention on Lois, waiting for an elaboration.

"I knooooooow" Lois raised her eyebrows at him, as if suddenly expecting him to have a clue to what she was talking about.

"Whaaaaaaat?" he replied, drawing out his letters as Lois had just done a moment ago.

"The reason why you and Lana broke up" Miss Lane finally dropped the bombshell and received the reaction she had been anticipating.

Clark froze. He felt the similar symptoms of kryptonite overtaking him but as he staggered backwards into the wall he realized that there were no pieces of kryptonite near him at all. It was the revelation that Lois Lane knew his secret. If Lois knew then so would all of Metropolis by tomorrow morning. He could just see the various headlines now: '**OUR OWN LITTLE GREEN MARTIAN', 'CLARK KENT MORE THAN JUST A FARMBOY', 'ALIEN INVASION!' **It was like a redux of the Linda Lake fiasco. No. . . Lois wouldn't do that to him; Lois was his friend. Sure they weren't the stereotypical sort of friends who hugged each other regularly and shared everything, but they were still friends. He had to get a grip on himself. He needed to think and fast if he wanted to get out of this situation unscathed. Clark straightened himself up, an air of confidence settling over him though inside he was all butterflies.

"I think everyone knows that Lois. I simply don't love her anymore. It's not earth shattering news" he said, playing it cool.

"Ah. So you would lead us all to believe. But I did homework. No guy especially a horny adult at that just dumps a smart, pretty girl who was ready to give up the world for him. So I did some digging and followed the trail of clues that I conveniently found left by you. I found the cleverly concealed secret. Now I know." The brunette recited as if she had been rehearsing this whole speech on the journey to the Kent's; which she actually had. Nevertheless it had paid off.

"What clues? What concealed secret? I think you're over analysing this Lois. There was no attraction anymore between me and Lana so I had to end it. That's all." Clark repeated trying to convince her whole heartedly.

"Shut it Smallville. You know I'm right. I just can't believe I didn't see it before"

"See what before? What the hell are you on about? I think you've finally cracked Lois. I was wondering when it was going to happen, especially with all the pressure of uni. Chloe owes me 30 dollars" he tried yet again to steer her from this particular subject.

"Didn't I tell you to shut up? Come on Smallville. It's time you came out the closet"

"It's time I came out the . . . . what?" The man of steel asked surprised, this conversation was leading into a very strange direction. One he could see but couldn't quite believe.

"Smallville, just admit it. You're gay."


	2. Jimmy Olphia, Lex Luthor and Elmur

**Author Note: Thank you guys so very very much! Here's the next chapter. Hope you enjoy  
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**Chapter 2: Jimmy Olphia, Lex Luthor and Elmur Fudd briefs**

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Clark blinked. He blinked again. The uttered words still hadn't fully registered in his mind. _Lois Lane_ – Chloe's cousin _Lois Lane_ – his friend _Lois Lane_ – thought he was gay! **Boys.** She thought he liked boys. Men even. Anyway you put it Lois still thought he was gay. He blinked for a third tim 

"I'm what . . . now?" Clark whispered, starting to overcome the initial shock.

"Gay and I don't mean the happy kind. Boy-Lover. Homosexual. Poof. That kind." Lois replied crudely.

Nervously Clark started to laugh; this was just simply ridiculous. Lois wouldn't think he was gay. She was just playing him. However he felt a smidgen of relief that Lois hadn't actually found out his** secret. **That revelation would have been a thousand times worse; she could have regarded him as if he didn't belong, or even a more unpleasant thought; she could have stopped being his friend. Clark snapped out of his reverie; he needed to concentrate on the situation at hand.

"Why would you think that?" Clark questioned, confused beyond belief at how she came to that conclusion. It's not as if he paraded around wearing banana hammocks and reading 'Vogue'. He considered himself as fairly low – key.

"Why?! Smallville I could riff off a list of reasons. Firstly you hang out with all girls. Name me one guy friend who you have."

"Jimmy! I hang out with Jimmy all the time. We're practically inseparable" Clark babbled.

"I think you're getting mixed up with **Chloe**.**Chloe** and you are inseparable, not Jimmy and you." Lois enunciated while saying Chloe to prove her point.

"Jimmy is too my friend" Clark bit back childishly, not preparing to let this one go.

"Tell me his surname" she challenged, all the while smirking.

"Uh. . . . . . Ol. . . . Olphia?" he stuttered, cringing as he knew he had just lost.

"Nope. That's not even a word! Olsen, its Olsen Smallville. Secondly I noticed you joined the football just when the gorgeous new coach enrolled. Wasn't that just convenient? I certainly wouldn't call it a coincidence" she asked patronizingly as if she contained all the world's answers inside her brain.

"Now you're just grasping at straws Lois, and you know it"

"Am I Smallville? Am I really? Give me one good reason why you didn't join before?"

"Because I was very shy before"

"And so you figured that the hot coach would help with that, hmmm? And not in the G rated way." Lois hinted, smiling knowingly.

"What?! Nooo!. . . No!" he retorted disgusted at the implication. He seemed to be denying a lot of allegations in this bizarre conversation.

"Also Lana kept mentioning that she couldn't bear that you were hiding**secrets** from her" she answered back, completely ignoring his comment of denial.

"So? Doesn't mean I'm gay" Clark yelled frustrated.

"Whatever you say Smallville" she uttered unbelievingly.

"Any more ludicrous suggestions Lois?"

"They're not ludicrous. They are perfectly believable. But yes I do have one more **plausible** suggestion, seeing as you asked. I saved the best till the last."

Clark waited uneasily. Knowing Lois, he knew this wouldn't be good and he sure as hell knew this wasn't going to end well either. He tapped his foot. He scratched his head. He drummed his fingers. He cracked.

"**Lois!**"

"Alright Smallville. Don't get your panties in a bunch . . . . . or should I say your Elmur Fudd briefs? I just thought I'd add a little suspense"

"**Lois!!**" Clark repeated warningly.

"Ok. Ok. So I went and talked to Chloe about your friendship with a certain Mr. Lex Luthor because I needed more hard evidence that you were gay"

"Since when did you think what you had was evidence and _hard_ evidence at that?" Clark sniped. Lois merely gave him a look and carried on.

"And I found out it ended. Kapoof. Just like that. Chloe confirmed that you were really good friends, best friends even. So it got me thinking. I wondered why such a good relationship would end . . . . . . . unless one of you was gay. I think that you hit on Lex but he rejected you and you as a result were heartbroken, but you couldn't tell anybody for about three years, fear of them refusing you too. All that hurt and anger has been bottled inside you for that long. And it only intensified when Lex got engaged to Lana. You were bound to explode sometime soon, but I underestimated you Smallville. You used your brains and cleverly made it seem like you were angry at Lana but in truth you were actually angry at Lex. You, Smallville were using Lana as a mask. Not anymore. I'm here to help you come out of the closet, Smallville" Lois finished with a flourish. She grinned triumphantly at her exclusive find. It had taken a lot of persuasion from Chloe and a whole lot of digging. But it was worth in the end. She felt like she had done her good deed for the day.

Clark on the other hand was back to blinking. He was simply stunned. No coherent thoughts would form in his head. He was just amazed at the lengths that Lois's brain capacity could go. Lex and him? A gay couple? The idea was just preposterous. Not because he was against gays; he didn't see anything wrong with them at all. It wasn't even anything to do with the fact that somebody that he was gay. No. It went deeper than that. It was the fact that **Lois Lane** thought he was gay, is what made him speechless. Though he couldn't explain why. He didn't feel like delving into the matter further in the current circumstance he was in. He was in quite a difficulty. On the one hand, if he denied he was gay, Lois would then only go deeper and deeper into his past to find out his secret until she actually did find out. No! He couldn't let that happen but could he actually bear the fact that Lois viewed him as an everyday American homosexual? Clark took a deep breath. He needed to make a decision.

"Me and Lex? Lex and me? Lex Luthor and Clark Kent? That makes no sense at all! Furthermore I dated Lana and for a while I might add!" Clark cried out, trying to buy more time. He couldn't make a decision this big without thinking it through.

"Have you not been listening to me Smallville? You – were – using – Lana – as – a mask" Lois said, dragging out the last sentence to try and get her point across. "You pretended to date Lana so people would think you were straight. And I'm guessing the whole 'on and off' thing you had going was part of the charade?"

Clark groaned. He knew his earlier notion had been right; this wasn't going to end well at all. Hell this conversation was going to crash and burn.

"Come on Smallville. You can do it. The first step to full gayness is acceptance."

"Lois. I can't deny it anymore. I'm glad someone finally knows." Clark said in a relived tone. He cringed inside while constant repeating the mantra, 'It's going to be okay'. Though deep down he knew he didn't believe it at all. But that mantra is what kept him going.

"Oh Smallville, I'm proud of you" Lois responded while giving him a hug. "But you have to say the actual words, 'I am gay'. I know you've got it inside of you to say that." she encouraged him, patting him on the back.

"I am gay"

Great now he was a gay intergalactic traveller. Could he be any odder?


	3. Kent Junior, Lois Lane's underwear and

**Author Note: You guys are so awesome. I'm in love with all the feedback. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read. And sorry for the long time it took to put this chapter. Hope you all enjoy again. Also check out the new banner, made by Nay Nay. There's a link to it on my profile.**

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** Chapter 3: Kent Junior, Lois Lane's underwear and George Bush**

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_Creak._ Lois stopped. Silence. She proceeded to slowly walk up the stairs, trying to be quiet as possible. _Creak._ What the hell was wrong with these damn stairs? Lois stopped yet again. Nothing was to be heard. She sighed in relief before carrying onwards. She came to a quiet halt at Clark's door.

Gently opening the door she took one tentative step forward but her foot immediately connected with something sharp. She cursed while simultaneously clutching her foot. This, as she found out was not one of her better ideas. Consequently she hobbled around for a few minutes trying to stay quiet, while soothing her throbbing foot, but the inevitable happened. She fell. On Clark Kent's bed. Her body positioned conveniently in the most uncomfortable of places.

All hell broke loose.

"What the –" Clark screamed. He scrambled out of bed, trying not to react to the hot breath on. . . . . Kent junior. He picked up the struggling intruder like it was a chocolate bar; not knowing that particular chocolate bar was Lois Lane. He slammed the person against the wall – hard enough to hurt but not hard enough to leave bruises.

"You either talk or I either crush you." Clark snarled, pinning the still struggling arms above their head. "Your choice."

"How are you gonna crush them? Stare them down with your baby blues. Yeah that'll go down real well" came Lois's witty reply. "Get the hell of me Smallville. Jeez, what do you eat? Pure iron?"

"Lois?!" He immediately let go of her. Apologies spewed from his mouth as he distanced himself from Lois.

"Of course it's me Smallville. Whaddya think it was? The Boogeyman? Don't you think you're a little bit old for that now?" she answered. She profusely massaged her wrists, attempting to lessen the sharp pain.

"Are you ok? Did I hurt you?" Clark asked worried, completely ignoring the previous comment.

"Don't worry, Smallville, I'm just peachy. It'll take more than your fumbling strikes to get me down"

Now, sure that Lois was fine and hadn't broken anything, Clark was a little angry and more than confused.

"What are you doing here?! At –" He glanced at his bedside table at the alarm clock; which brightly flashed, 3.00 am. "3 in the morning?"

Lois faltered. She hadn't really counted on this happening; it wasn't part of her plan. She was meant to be the interrogator, not the other way around. She grimaced in annoyance. Her plan had been beautiful. . . . Ok so it had a few problems but what plan didn't have problems?

**1)** Break into Clark Kent's house. (Here was the first problem; breaking into the Kent's house wasn't high on her list of priorities . . . hell it hadn't even been on the list. She hated to break the Kent's trust especially after they'd been so welcoming and generous towards her. But it had to be done. She could just write it off as temporary insanity if any questions were asked).

**2)**Get into Smallville's room. That should be a piece of cake. (Oh how wrong she had been. Damn stairs. But she did find in the comfort in the fact that Clark's parents were out of town that weekend).

**3)**Tie up Smallville. Drug Smallville. (Um. Here was where the second problem unfortunately crept in. She wasn't all that comfortable in taking away someone's free will. And it also broke that old Kent trust. Lois figured that the Pa and Ma Kent weren't exactly going to be thrilled that she purposely poisoned their son. Yeah. That wouldn't go down so well. But once again it had to be done . . . for the sanity of Smallville. Or something along those lines.

**4)**Tie up Smallville. Easy. (This _should_have been easy – he would have been knocked out. Oh how wrong she had been yet again.)

Recalling the plan, Lois, admitted that it hadn't been foolproof – but apart from breaking two laws, _possibly_ being looked at as a lunatic by the only family she'd ever truly loved and _maybe_ being arrested, it was pretty damn good- she prided in that. Lois guessed she'd have to use the back up plan instead.

"I wanted to talk" she shockingly lied, bearing her most innocent face.

Many thoughts raced through, Clark's head at that statement. Firstly, he really needed to use the toilet. Secondly, he was wearing only boxers. Thirdly, Lois was in his bedroom. Fourthly, his parent's were out for the weekend.

Clark reminisced Lois's warm breath ghosting over his. . . . . . Clark's eyes fluttered shut as some more than unholy images flittered through his brain. Kent junior jumped in his confined space. Clark glanced down; his face a mask of embarrassment mingled with surprise. Crap. This couldn't be happening now . . . especially not now. Not with Lois thinking he was – he gulped - attracted to the opposite sex. And her standing right in his bedroom, hid bed mere inches away. The bulge in his boxers grew. Don't even go there Kent.

_Dead kittens. Santa Claus. __George Bush. Fungus. Lois's cooking. Lois's underwear. No! His parents having sex._

Immediately Clark felt a little more relieved, that is until he saw Lois's face. She had seen. Clark's groaned in frustration. This really wasn't his day or should he say night?

"Not that kind of talk. You pervert." Lois yelled disgusted.

"No no no no! No! I. . . uh. . . . . er –"

"Please don't tell me that you were imaging some other guy and you doing the dirty deed! While I was still in the room!"

Clark hadn't a clue what to say. He was drawing a blank. Regrettably Lois mistook his silence as a confession.

"Jeez. Kent! Save _some_ for the poor bugger" she rolled her eyes. Men. They had a one track mind.

Clark drowned further into humiliation. Great. Just great. His title seemed to be getting unbearably long. _Intergalactic traveller. Gay intergalactic traveller. Extremely horny gay intergalactic traveller. _Yeah. His parents would be real proud of him right now. Just what they had hoped for from their illegally adopted alien son. Would it really be so hard for the old guy up there to give him a break now and then?! Taking away all the lunatics out there trying to put him 6 feet under would be good for starters. Clark could feel a headache forming. He withheld the growl of irritation and focused back on the conversation at hand.

"Um sorry?"

"Damn right you should be" Lois reimpranded, secretly feeling perverse pleasure from Clark's discomfort. "Moving your . . . _'eagerness'_aside, that's not I came here to talk to you about."

Clark ignored the bait, "Yeah. Talk. About that. In the 21st century we have contraception called _phones_. See, these magical little things allow you to have a conversation over a long distance. It's like a Christmas miracle, I know. How about picking up one of those before you come breaking into my house?" Clark was immensely enjoying the disgruntled look on Lois's face. People were right. Payback really was a bitch. He gave her a sickeningly sweet grin before continuing. "Now there's an idea. Remember Lois; think with your brain not with your fists." Clark added patronizingly.

"The same goes for you too Smallville. Except I'd say; think with your upstairs' brain _not_your downstairs' one."

Lois – 2. Clark- 0. Score.

The brunette returned his smile, daring him to retaliate. Clark once again did not take the bait instead opting to surrender and hold onto whatever dignity he had left. He suspected absolutely none.

"_Anyway,_Smallville, what I came here to talk about is how you're handling the gay matter?"

"Just peachy" he replied, echoing her earlier words.

"Are you sure? Because I haven't seen you for a week till you admitted it. And I think you're avoiding me"

"Me? Avoid you? That's laughable"

"Cut the crap Smallville. I know you've been dodging me. You know, yesterday when I popped into your barn for a small chat, I actually did see you climbing out the window, and sliding down the pipe. And I shouted your name a couple of times and you pretended not to hear? Not one of your cleverest moments Smallville."

Clark smiled like that thought hadn't entered his mind; of course it had. He knew it wasn't clever but what could he do? He needed to get away from Lois, he couldn't bear facing her. Every time he thought back to that moment, he wanted to curl up into the foetal position and scream. However he thought avoiding Lois could be the more useful thing to do. Right now, he didn't think he'd done a good job.

"Come on farm boy. Let me help you. You'll need a friend for this. Please?" Lois pleaded even though it wasn't in her nature. But for some unfathomable reason - with Clark Kent - she had an indescribable urge to do many things that weren't in her nature.

Looking into her eyes was a big mistake.

"Sure Lois"

A huge mistake.

"So what do we do now?"

"Step 1 of course!"

"And what's that?"

"The makeover"

"_The what?!"_

A colossal mistake.


	4. Leather trousers, Going commando and

**Author Note: Hey guys. I'm back with another chapter.And i hope you all like and laugh at this one too. Hope you enjoy and as always comments would be awesome. I also want to thank every person who did comment on my last chapter. Made my day. :) **

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**Chapter 4: Leather trousers, Going commando and Farting  
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So this is what hell must be like, Clark mused as he walked out the dressing room dressed in an uncomfortably too tight jeans and an equally uncomfortably too tight white t-shirt. A low whistle met his ears as he faced the harsh lighting from the shop. He blushed red as Lois whooped and whistled taking pleasure in his discomfort.

"Strut your stuff Smallville. Strut your stuff"

"No way. Isn't it enough that I'm parading these ridiculous clothes for you?" Clark questioned exasperated. "And just so you know I am not buying any of these. Who wears leather trousers?!" Clark cringed at that. He couldn't believe he had to wear leather trousers. Black shiny things that clung to his legs and butt like a second skin. And the moment he had come out of the changing room, Lois was there snapping a picture of him with her phone. He had tried to wrestle it out of before she sent it to Chloe but all he had succeeded in doing was ripping his leather trousers.

_Commando._

He couldn't really be blamed; those trousers were so goddamn tight! – was it really his fault that he had to strip of his boxers before he could actually fit in to them? Lois ever the helpful friend, had taken a snapshot of that too but not before bursting into hysterics. Adding fire to fuel his embarrassment even further she had called over one of the shop assistants to see what the freaking, '_hygiene policy' _was.

Hygiene policy his ass. She couldn't have waited after he changed into hole less trousers?! The situation only got worse when the shop assistant had made him do 360 degrees turn to inspect the damage, catching an eyeful of his butt crack. The assistant then proceeded to call over another one of his staff; this time a short (who wasn't shorter than him?) woman with a pink mohawk and 5 piercings in one ear. He was now being circled by two strangers and one so called friend all looking at him with a predatory gaze. And so he did what any normal man would have done in this situation.

**Farted.** Yep. He outright farted. It wasn't one of those long over drawn ones but it was a little _parp._ Little but sure as hell heard by every single member of the circle.

A beat passed.

"I'd still totally hit that" came from the pink haired woman. This of course set again round two of hysterics for Lois – fucking – Lane who was gonna be dead meat after he finished this day of complete and utter hell. Clark being the gentlemen he was quickly but politely excused himself murmuring apologies and he all but rushed into the changing rooms. Then came the next disaster. In his haste to get to the changing room and get the hell out of the dreaded pants, he unfortunately tripped over the curtains – and him being Clark – alien boy – Kent, he un surprisingly had brought the whole frame crashing down; the metal pole holding up the curtain whacking him on the head as it sailed its way down.

Silence filled the store as everyone's head swilled over to the commotion. The silence was shattered as everyone rushed over to help him. Acting on instinct - to protect his secret – he had clutched his head pretending to be hurt even though he had barely felt the hit. But the groans he was making sure were real. This was just too humiliating. The stupid cursed leather pants had split even further following his less than graceful stumble. He had never truly understood the phrase,_'ground to open and swallow him whole'_ till that moment. Boy, did he understand it. Each and every word. But he took comfort knowing that this situation couldn't get any worse.

Was he ever wrong.

There was Lois again, face flushed with amusement and excitement at the commotion. She had video taped the whole thing with that damn phone again. _Video taped_. He had as expected, yelled at her, rather explicit curses flying out his mouth in a moment of anger but he was cut off when the blonde man that was currently checking for bruises on his head had looked up interested.

"Video taped?" he had asked curiously; Clark and Lois's conversation apparently piquing his attention. Clark felt his stomach twist into knots; the exact same feeling he had felt moments before Lois pronounced him gay. So he knew – sure as he knew that the sun rose in the east and set in the west – that this conversation was not going to end well . . . at all.

"Yeah" Lois had replied ever the conversationalist. He was going to point this out to her but he was once again cut off by the blonde man.

"Do you think we could use it?" Clark and Lois both looked at him like he was stark raving nuts. "To promote our new line. On T.V" he added hastily taking in their expressions. But they just continued to look at him incredulously even more so after his latest comment.

"Probably sounds weird. But I think I can really make something out of it. It would certainly provide a laugh for the audience. And this might encourage them to come our store." The blonde guy had explained. "No offence" he had added once again hastily speaking to Clark.

"None taken. But I don't think that –

"Yeah sure. You can take it. But I do some sort of recognition. . credit?"

"_Lois!"_ Clark had spluttered heatedly. He really didn't need his butt to grace national television. His mom would love that; he could just picture the conversation right now.

_Hey Mom. What's up?_

_Nothing much. Saw you're behind today. Haven't I told you to scrub that bit very hard. Are you sure you're using the right kind of soap? It looks a bit red?_

A conversation every son dreams about having with his mother. He tried to protest again but to no avail, he was ignored disinterestedly like he was just a dog. Even though he was the one with the injury.

"We of course will not allow you pay for these trousers. We just hope you do not sue."

"And. . . "

"Uh, two months of free clothes here? That is of course if you tell all your friends where you got them from?" The blonde man (Clark really needed to find out his name) offered. And the deal was struck. They shook hands on it while Clark had lain there next to them pitifully staring at the ceiling resolving himself to a life of humiliation and misery. . at least while Lois Lane was around. He was ever rueing the day that he had admitted he was gay. Did absolutely shit for him. Just made life that much harder, and he really didn't need that. What the alien business wasn't hard enough for him already? He wondered what he did to piss off the big man.

"Up you get you farm boy." Lois had yanked him up and patted him down, doing her own version of checking for bruises. Once satisfied she had thanked the blonde man after apologizing for the damage to his dressing room. She had poked him in the ribs to do the same even though he had no idea what he had to be thankful or even sorry for. It was store's fault all this happened anyway. But his mom had raised him to be a well mannered man so he graciously apologized and thanked before high tailing it out of there with Lois hot on his heels.

And this is how he found himself in yet another store, in yet another pair of tight trousers. He was all set to go home after that mortifying incident but Lois had persuaded him to go to a few more stores. Though he had no idea how she did that.

"You know Smallville, where you banged me against the wall yesterday night? Yeah, I think I'm getting bruises from where you gripped my hands so tightly. It _really_ hurts." Cue the puppy dog look.

_Oh yeah. That's how._

"You can't use that on me for the rest of the week now, ok?"

"Done. Ok strut it then Smallville"

He readied him self, and started –

"Wait." Lois brought out her phone from her jacket pocket and captured the Clark's form perfectly before hitting play on the record button. "Continue"

Clark growled before '_strutting his stuff'_. Which he merely did by walking up and down, but evidently this wasn't enough for Lois who was encouraging him with gusto.

"Shake that butt Smallville. Come on! Do a few poses. Bruises! Purpling yellowing –"

And so he shook his butt. He wiggled it from side to side and up and down. Lois hollered and whooped as he did this. He couldn't help but laugh at the pure glee on Lois's face. He just laughed and laughed. All his embarrassment and anger from earlier slowly melted away leaving just happiness. He was just so relaxed right now; hanging around with Lois was like riding a very twisty rollercoaster but it sure as hell was fun and never a dull moment passed by. So the first time since a very long time (dating back probably when he thought that Lana was still the blushing teenage dream girl and Pete had still been around) he let go. Just let go of all of his problems. He didn't know why. He didn't even think it was a good idea, but Lois just had that effect on him. She made him forget his brooding self and bring out happy, relaxed side of him. Lois was just so easy to do anything with.

"Perfect Smallville. Now let's see some poses"

Lois brought him out of his musings with a grin and an encouraging nod. He was game.

"Happy"

He bared his teeth into a very wide but genuine grin.

"Sad"

He pouted his lips comically.

"Angry"

He bared his teeth and crossed his eyes.

"I said angry, not your normal expression"

"Ha ha. So any more before I change my mind?"

"Hell yeah! Girly"

He fluttered his eyelashes and tilted his head to the side.

"Kissable"

He puckered his lips leaning his hand against his chin.

"Like you're about fly"

He took the usual comic her pose. He balanced one foot in the air and one arm in the air, his head looking sideways into the camera smiling softly.

_Riiiiip._


	5. Licky, Sucky and a Huge Ball of Fire

Author Note: looks sheepishly at y'all Yeah. Long time no see. Sorry! D

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**Chapter 5: Licky, Sucky and a Huge Ball of Fire  
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"Clark, this is Matthew. Matthew this Clark," Lois introduced both of them pointing at one another respectively.

Clark firmly shook the other mans hand – _nice to meet you_ - a pleasant smile ready. Matthew was just a little shorter than him (but who wasn't these days) and wore a crisp black business suit: a briefcase clutched in his left hand. Clark fleetingly wondered how Lois knew him, and why she was introducing him, to Clark of all people.

"Matthew just dropped by in Kansas for a small business trip. He's the CEO of his very _own _company," Lois paused, smiling weirdly at Clark, as Matthew smirked cockily. "I thought it'd be good if you two met,"

Clark stared confusedly at Lois, wondering what the hell was going on. He widened his eyes and tried to send a, _what's happening? _face before baring his teeth at Matthew. Lois just shrugged and raised an eyebrow knowingly.

"Well I'll leave you two to get acquainted," Lois grinned widely yet again, giving him that, _I know what you did last summer_, look. Clark's smile in response was strained and tense – shaking his head frantically when Matthew turned to hug Lois goodbye. If possible Lois just smiled wider and sent him a wink. Clark rapidly put his hands back down (still waving from his 'no' gesture') when Matthew turned back around. He looked up to the sky – the sun burning hotly on his face - whistling tunelessly, his face perfecting innocence. He knew he wasn't fooling anyone though, least of all Matthew.

"Bye Smallville,"

Lois didn't attempt to hug him and Clark felt oddly hurt by that. When did he start caring if Lois Lane hugged him or not? It was probably just all the sun; they had been going sun – strong, for one month straight and it only seemed to be getting hotter.

"Yeah. Bye Lois"

Clark watched Lois walk away, an unsettling feeling settling in his stomach. He mentally shook it off – just the sun again, that was all – before turning back to Matthew, an awkward grin and an invite to coffee (or maybe a bucket of ice cold water) ready.

"So coffee?"

"Yeah sure."

And that was that.

* * *

They walked to the Talon in uncomfortable silence, while Matthew kept shooting him strange looks – eyeing him up and then right the way back down. Clark felt like he was on display in a zoo, while people shouted, 'Dance monkey. Dance!'.

He really needed to get some sleep tonight.

He fidgeted relentlessly, tapping his fingers on his thigh settling on a random rhythm.

"So you single?"

Clark was stunned into silence, the sudden question drawing a blank in his mind. He didn't know why Matthew was interested in his love life but he supposed the other man was just making small talk so he went with it – _anything_ to break the weird silence, "Uh, yeah"

"Like anyone?"

Clark was once again, stunned at the brashness of Matthew and his never-ending questions about his love life. Ok. So it had only been two questions, but they _were_ pretty out there. Nevertheless, Clark still answered, not wanting to seem rude. His mom had taught him manners after all. "No. Not really,"

A flash of Lois's face suddenly lit up in his mind. Her smile. Her eyes. Her coconut and apple smelling hair – _coconut and apple? _When had Clark started smelling Lois's hair? Seriously. It was the sun. It had to be. Clark resolved to get sunglasses; maybe they could stop him from having these crazy (_very_ crazy) thoughts. Yep. Sunglasses it was.

"Clark?"

Clark snapped back to reality at Matthews questioning tone, "Sorry. I just spaced out there for a second," Matthew nodded understandingly.

"No worries. I was just asking how much longer till we arrive at the Talon?"

"Oh right. Sorry. Just around this corner. And here it is," Clark motioned at the familiar building in front of them. He opened the door for Matthew gesturing a 'after you' sign before walking into the building himself. He shivered at the sudden but pleasant gust of the cold air – from the air conditioning - that hit him.

He looked around, noticing for the firs time that the Talon was quite empty. There were a few people milling around waiting for their drinks but apart from that it was deserted. Everyone else had done the sensible thing and gone down to the lake to swim in the cool waters. So maybe coming to a coffee shop wasn't the best idea when it was 38 degrees outside. But really if you thought about it, it was all Lois's fault. She was the one who had dumped this Matthew guy in his lap for no reason. He didn't have a slightest clue to as to who the guy _really _was. He was comforted in the fact though that Lois wouldn't exactly leave him with an axe wielding psychopath.

Would she?

No, Clark decided, that she wouldn't, ignoring the panicked little voice in his head insisting to watch his back. He told it to shut up. He could take care of himself. Hell, he was practically made of steel. And wasn't that just one of the perks of being an alien. He grinned.

* * *

He lead Matthew to a corner seat right below the air conditioner, with their iced

water in tow (they mutually decided not to get a coffee).

"So you're gay,"

What now?! How did _Matthew_ – apparently a guy from the big city - know his supposedly -

_Lois._

He was gonna kill her. No. He really was.

"I'm gay too,"

He was going to find her and then –

Wait what?

"_You're_ gay too?" To say Clark was surprised was an understatement. Hell, if Matthew said he was going to run to Mexico and sell falafel from a cart, even _that _wouldn't surprise him much as Matthew's earlier confession.

"What? I don't look the part enough for you? Needs more pink eh?"

Clark tittered nervously. What was he supposed to say to that? So he continued to laugh, gradually growing louder, panicked hysteria overcoming him.

"Newbie eh?" Matthew looked at him meaningfully.

Clark blushed and instantly stopped. "Yeah you could uh say that," Or you know he was pretending to be gay so his best friend's cousin wouldn't find out that he was from another planet sent here to be the _earth's savior, _and you know, _save all man kind._

Yeah, because he could see that going down _really_ well.

"So you ever tried to you know do a little sucky. Licky. Sucky.?"

She was so dead.

"Nope. Yeah no. Really no. Me sucky? No," Clark protested loudly, jaw hanging open, heat rising to his cheeks. "Licky? No. Nooo. No."

"Wow you really are a newbie,"

Clark giggled. He questioned when he started to become a girl? _Giggling._ He needed some new _manly_ best friends. "Yeah. I sure am,"

"So you wanna come over to my place?" Matthew leered suggestly at him, "I could teach you a few things,"

Did he mention how dead Lois was?

"And maybe I myself could do a little _sucky. Licky. _And maybe a little more _sucky," _

Matthew winked.

_Holy Crap._

Clark gulped.

"Whaddya say?"

Clark stumbled out of his chair, knocking it over in the process. He took a few steps shaking his head frenetically, arms up guarding him incase, you know, Matthew launched himself at Clark. Who knew with these business people. They were all the same."Really, really, _really _not" Clark saw Matthews crestfallen expression and immediately felt guilt rising up through his throat like bile. After all it wasn't the poor guy's fault, it was Lois's.

_Lois._

Dead.

"Not because I don't like you or anything. You? Are just awesome. Like a super duper guy. Uh real funny. Ya know? Really. You're hilarious. And did I mention how super duper awesome you are?" Clark insisted, hysterically, knowing full well he was not doing a good job in lessening the blow of Matthew's rejection. "It's because I have a boyfriend. He's called. . uh. . .Bob."

"Bob?"

"Yeah. Bob. His parents? Craaaaazy!" Clark made a swiveling finger motion near his head visualizing the last part of his comment. At Matthew's skeptical look, he slowly put his hand down.

He needed to get out of here. And fast.

"Ya know. I'm meeting my boyfriend right about. . now? Oh hey what a coinky dink –

_COINKY DINK?! _He was definitely looking up for some male best friends in the yellow pages after he'd killed Lois.

"- Heh. Ya know, butt sexing and all that. Because butt sexing? Hoooot!" Clark cringed, "Uh bye. Hope to see you again. Bye. Yeah. Ok. Well bye!"

Clark rushed out of the Talon, walking into tables and chairs and knocking over quite a few. When he was finally outside – muggy and warm – he sagged against the wall, breathing in oxygen like it was going out of fashion.

He had just gotten hit on. By a man. And said man had offered. . . _sexual favors. _Many sexual favors.

Clark felt a panic attack coming on. Or an asthma attack. Or some kind of attack.

He hated Lois.

_No. You like her. Way more than a friend._

_Ok._ So where had that come from?

Sun. Too much damn sun. It was the sun. The big ball of fire.

He once again ignored the little voice telling him that he was a coward. He didn't like Lois. Well. Not like _that_ anyway. He was sure. 100 sure. And you couldn't be surer than that. He was so sure he was practically deodorant. Clark once again mentally noted Yellow Pages.

He glanced back into the Talon and saw Matthew staring at him with a predatory gaze. Clark didn't give a second thought before walking quickly away, checking over his shoulder every few minutes. For any stalkerish CEO businessmen. He super sped the last few miles home when he swore he saw a flash of black behind him. Damn the secret. He was being stalked!

* * *

"Smallville! How did it go?"

"Lois,"

"Oh –"

"You,"

" – Crap,"

"Are,"

"See ya Smallville,"

"Dead,"


End file.
